Cataloging Customers

Cataloging Customers

This customers at EFTS come in all varieties of shape, color, and size, and we love them all. In fact, one of the things we love about the shop, is that everyone that sits down in the lounge is considered a welcome patron by the store and its inhabitants when they have a cigar. Of course, that doesn't mean that we don't see some humorous personalities walk through our doors. Mark decided to make an effort to catalogue the usual suspects while attempting to bring you a "I-know-that-guy" smile!

I’m a pretty boring guy. I can’t help it. I think one of the perks of running a small business is all the eclectic people you get to meet on a daily basis. That appeals to a boring guy like me. Each customer is a little quirky, a tad different and completely without equal, which makes for a perfect ingredient for the ever growing En Fuego melting pot. I decided to catalogue the diverse types of customers, with an emphasis on those who really stand out more than others. I’ve also added what their cigar and drink preferences are and who might play them, should En Fuego ever hit the big screen. If you’ve been an En Fuego customer for any length of time, you’ve probably met them.

1)  The in-Fidel

What he will smoke - Rocky Patel

What he will drink - Mojito

Cast - James Gandolfini

This curious creature is usually spotted a mile away. While usually diminutive in stature, it’s nothing his overzealous, wine soaked bravado doesn’t fail in making up for. The in-Fidel in concerned with one cigar and one cigar only, the elusive Cuban. He is immediately stumped when his twenty-dollar-bill-slight-of-hand-trick isn’t the correct combination to the En Fuego Cuban cigar vault, which in his mind surly exists. But not to worry, the inFidel will assure you that he has a brother who has a roommate whose ex-girlfriend knows someone who can get him a plethora of Havana’s Holy Grail on a regular basis. And for added emphasis, that “someone” is always accompanied with air quotes. Although amusing, I am reluctant in questioning the inFidels stories in fear of waking up with a horse head in my bed. 

2)  The Cowboy

What he will smoke - Cuban Small Batch

What he will drink - Beer

Cast - John Wayne

Not to be confused with the urban cowboy wanna be who has a single, so-called “western outfit” that he probably bought at Dillard’s (like me), the Cowboy is the real deal. His energy drink is scotch and the bumper sticker on his F-150 reads “my other car wears horseshoes”.  Slightly dismayed that we don’t sell Copenhagen, he usually settles on a cigar he has the option to just chew on. He is always polite, occasionally offering to bring me back a slab of whatever he’s going to kill the upcoming weekend as he barbarically cuts the end of his cigar with a bowie knife.

3)  The Ninja

What he will drink - unknown

What he will smoke - Drew Estate Undercrown

Cast - Bruce Lee

Obviously, there’s not much I can tell you about this mysterious customer. 

He usually makes his unassuming entrance through the side door, even though some of our stores don’t even have side doors. He brings his cigars to the counter even though I never saw him go into the humidor. He answers every question with an affirmative  “yes” or “no”. Even to “How’s your day going?” or “What’s your phone number?” One day I want to jokingly ask him if cigars are an ingredient for taking over the world. But knowing I’m going to get one of those two answers, I’m not willing to take that 50/50 chance.

4)  The Sidekick

What he will drink - Gatorade

What he will smoke - Arturo Fuente Short Story

Cast - Steve Carell

Always much more interested in cleaning ash trays than filling them with his own ashes, the Sidekick is the self-appointed Robin to whatever Batman happens to be running the cigar shop. While the extra help is always appreciated, sooner or later I’m gonna want to sit down and finish my cigar, regardless of the the sweat your shirt is mopping up as you clean all my windows. He is also more than eager to hijack an employee’s sales pitch mid-way through its execution. “Trust me Robin, you will regret ever recommending that Groovy Blue to the Cowboy.”

5)  The Gentleman

What he will drink - Scotch

What he will smoke - Padrón Anniversary

Cast - Sean Connery

The Gentleman is no frills, no non-sense and knows exactly what he wants. Dressed like he just left a photo shoot of a Neiman Marcus catalogue cover and usually accompanied by Swedish model, The Gentleman is the envy of everyone in the room. He rarely asks for advice on a cigar selection, as that would compromise his intelligence. Rather he strolls through the humidor, hands in pocket, damsel on one arm and gracefully picks out a cigar. One that just so happens to immediately become my favorite, regardless of what it is. Somewhere in the buying, cutting or lighting of the cigar, there will inevitably be some alligator skin involved. 

6)  The Alumnus

What he will drink - Red Bull

What he will smoke - Perdomo Champagne

Cast - Will Ferrell

Easiest to spot sporting his fabric billboard of school colors, his first question before the door chime has finished its last note is “Hey, what’s the score?” He will then go through the ritual of asking if I can put “the game” on this TV, stand in front of the TV until the next commercial, then spend about 5 seconds looking around wondering where he was at and why he came in in the first place. The ritual will repetitiously continue throughout the transaction. Upon hearing the announcer’s voice, his entire body will slightly convulse, his eyes will dart to his left and freeze. Kinda like my dog’s does when I suddenly pull a tennis ball out of my pocket. Due to this sequence of rituals, it will take about 2 1/2 quarters to pay, cut, light his cigar and find a seat. I purposely won’t buy TIVO just from the selfish entertainment standpoint he gives me. 

7)  The Free Safety

What he will drink - Crown and Coke

What he will smoke - Ashton VSG

Cast - Ving Rhames

No one warrants keeping an eye on more that the Free Safety.

He constantly waits from a crouching position looking for a conversation to intercept or a political point he can lay a big hit on. The Free Safety usually has no rooting interest in any one particular point, he just prides himself on putting as many people on the cigar shop stretcher due to a bruised ego or torn ACL (Asinine Comment Let out) as he can. However, with the right game plan, the blood thirsty Free Safety in easily drawn off sides. I call it the “Redirect Hard Count”. When you see the Free Safety lowering his helmet at you, just point to the guy sitting by the fireplace and say “Hey, see that guy?  He thinks we should trade Romo for Vick, Pete Rose should be in the Hall of fame and Ronald Regan was over-rated”. The Free Safety is a terrifying opponent, but he is your best friend when playing for your team.

8)  The Rookie

What he will drink - Coke

What he will smoke - Oliva NUB

Cast - Michael Richards

Guys, being the strange creatures we are, don’t like asking for help, especially the Rookie. This can be especially problematic when he lights his cigar with the cedar wrapper still on it. Or turns blue trying to draw out of a cigar he has yet to cut. It’s best to just leave him be when you see him violently shaking his non-responsive lighter like a can of old spray paint, as he hasn’t figured out that it’s just out of butane. Dear Rookie, if you’re that curious I’ll just open it up for you so you won’t break my lock. Sincerely, Locker Member #32

9)  The Businessman

What he will drink - Coffee

What he will smoke - Romeo y Julieta

Cast - Michael Douglas

The Businessman's’ self-imposed uniform is a laptop, cell phone,

Bluetooth, pens, paper, a book and usually a lunch sack. He always briskly comes in at the same time of day, sits at the same table, buys the same cigar and commences to his daily business. As he rushes in, I jokingly tell him he has three messages and his 3:00 appointment was rescheduled for Thursday at noon. But the Businessman is unphased with my antics as he is on a conference call with some investors overseas. From time to time, I’ll hear him say “Hey, what time are you leaving today?  I’ve got two tickets for the Mavs’ game.” I’ll start beamingly jump out of my seat and respond with, “5:00...that’s awesome! I could just meet you...” Then he will point to his Bluetooth with one hand while the other shews me off. Oh Business Man, you got me again.

10)  The Non-Cigar Shop Owner Cigar Shop Owner

What he will drink - Bottled Water

What he will smoke - Diamond Crown

Cast - Robert DeNiro

It doesn’t take long to spot out these customers, especially for the employee on staff. He starts with questioning why we don’t sell that ultra-rare cigar that he probably wouldn’t buy even if we did. Then it moves to what the TV and music he wants playing as he untangles his ear buds. We do love feedback, but doesn’t blue mouthwash taste just like green mouthwash? Not to The Non-Cigar Shop Owner Cigar Shop Owner. Within 24 hours of this being published, The N-CSOCSO will find the 4 misspellings I’ve made and why this should have been a list of 12, not 10. Hopefully, he at least likes the mention.